We went to tell my mum about our plans today.
I got the usual response.
She opened the door and said, 'No little one?' in an accusatory tone, because we haven't taken them to visit this week ( we've all had a cold).
The little one was in town with their mummy, and daddy was in bed sleeping after leaving home at 5am yesterday and returning at 4am today having worked a double shift in between.
We started by telling her that my husband is retiring, to which she replied, 'oh, are you?'
She didn't ask why or what plans we have, and when I opened my mouth to elaborate, she changed the subject.
We didn't try any further as she has form for ignoring what I say.
I'm just going to tell her nearer to the time that we leave that we will be at the caravan more from now on so I can only shop for her once per fortnight, and will be back for appointments. If she's absolutely desperate for anything in-between my daughter can get it from the local shop ( she doesn't drive so can't get more than a few things, and my mum won't have an online shop delivered without one of us being there).
I was handed admin when I arrived, more admin when I left, and inbetween I was reminded that she has an appointment next week that I have to take her to.
We've definitely made the right decision.
Here's maybe a thought but ignore if not possible. Maybe your daughter can combine a visit with your mom with the little one, with the shop delivery and that maximizes her time too, and takes the "no little one" and other pressure off you a bit. I think you are wise to maybe just live your new life and be more matter of fact. I know you're the one to manage all this.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, a shopping delivery comes with a 2 hour time slot, and I don't think my daughter could cope with being there for that long as my mum is only tolerable in short doses really. My daughter is also increasing her working hours to full-time, and the little one's hours at the childminder so that we can leave.
DeleteI'm not sure about managing this. I have bucketloads of guilt, but keep reading that if it's a choice between guilt and resentment, choose guilt. Staying would cause resentment.
Ah, that makes sense and I understand. No doubt the ill mood you get treated with by your mom would be transferred to your daughter. You may not want to share, but is your daughter's family staying in your home? Is that where you'll spend time when back, or are you selling for a complete break of the past. I just don't know what my long term plans are or could be. I'm just trying to go day to day and hope I'll eventually figure it out.
DeleteI'll email xx
DeleteI had a mentally abusive mom, and for years I did not realize it until therapy. She seemed happy only when she had wounded me or one of my siblings or when bad things happened to us. My siblings left me to deal with her. Her traits were to treat Kindness with Contempt, Assistance with Hostility, Care with Punishment, and return Cruelty instead of Gratitude. My therapist advised
ReplyDelete1. Treat my mother as I would unreliable third parties.
2. Base expectations exclusively on historical behavior, not role or label.
3. Never assume that she is changing or that she will change.
These women exercise Power From Below and their recreation is domination of others who are close to them. She is dependent; she is aged; she is sick and weak. This dependency provides proximity. Proximity provides access. Access enables acts of cruelty.
For years I tried to get her to behave like a mother. To care; to be supportive. A foolish errand. All I did was enable her abuse against me. Once I saw the light and stopped doing moral accounting on her behalf (like, "Oh, she had a hard life" or "is in pain") I was mortified and horrified at this person. I was done! I opted out of the cycle. To me she became a foul emanation with which I should not contaminate my life. Recently, I eased her out of my life and told my sisters it is their turn. I have ghosted them. Quite frankly, I am no longer interested and doubtful whether I would even attend her funeral when she passes.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me about your difficulties with your mother.
DeleteWith my mother there has been obvious cruelty and spitefulness over the years, but more than anything it's been a lack of interest/ pride in anything I've ever done or achieved; just a complete blank.
It's also her way or the highway, her impatience knows no bounds and she has a total lack of empathy. Fortunately, she has requested a direct cremation, so I won't have a funeral to consider. To be honest, even if she hadn't requested one, that is what I would have arranged.
That just confirms that you have made the right decision for you and J. You'll visit your mother regularly but inbetween those visits you'll be able to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right Joan. We can't just stay here waiting to live our lives any longer.
DeleteYou and J have made the right decision for you. Stick with it. Do you have siblings who will step up or not. I was an only, but when my lovely Mum died and Dad re-married, I ended up with a Stepmum, 2 stepsisters and a stepbrother. Fortunately we all get along ok. Daughter has always known that Nanna isn't my Mum but still calls her Nan and in all honesty she treats all the grandchildren the same. I've been very lucky having a fabulous Mum and Stepmum. Xx
ReplyDeleteMy mum's estranged from my siblings, so I am, in effect, an only child, and have been for almost 31 years. It's why I'm so exhausted by it all. I didn't get a nice mother in law either!
DeleteYou have been blessed to have a lovely mum and step mum.