The 5th course

  

Gretna was magical. 

Returning to normality was not.

Nor was the recent UTI for which I needed my 4th course of antibiotics this year, the previous courses needed after the dental surgery, then for sinusitis, and, last month, for a chest infection.

Unfortunately the UTI became pyelonephritis for which I needed my 5th course of antibiotics of the year... I've already got scarring on one kidney because of previous infections.

Even less magical was a trip to the paediatric assessment unit at the local hospital with my grandchild as the GP wanted them to be seen there. An x ray and blood tests later ( hated having the x rays taken, was unfazed by the 2 small tubes of blood being gathered from their finger) we were assured that it's not juvenile arthritis but transient synovitis after having yet another virus last month. The limping and leg collapsing under them will stop at some point.

Removing the blog from public view was necessary for my mental health. A complete unplug from the outside world was needed,  and if the blog had been 'open' I'd have felt the need to check it.

Call me a headcase if you want. Other people's opinion of me is not my concern, though I prefer the term mentally unwell, because that's what I am.

I'm hoping that the caravan will prove to be the balm to my soul that it was last year, but this year, with my mum's health issues, it's a whole different ball game.

I've no idea what else to try if it isn't, because I know that absolutely nothing is going to change in the foreseeable. If anything, things will get worse as more demands are being placed on me as my mums health deteriorates. It's tough when it's all down to me. Tough physically and tough mentally.

As a consequence of yesterday's hospital appointment ( not at the local one, but another that's 15 miles away, hitting rush hour traffic and accidents on the motorway) there have been 2 urgent referrals, along with another referral, meaning I will soon need to attend 3 further locations with my mum, whilst trying to juggle everything else.  This week I have 3 days of childcare and 2 afternoons of hospital appointments. My head feels fit to burst after advocating for my Mum and trying to remember everything yesterday and I am so tired after waking many times in the night.

Recovery from the eating disorder feels very far away right now, but I'll keep trying. Despite everything, I'm doing my best to search for the sun through the clouds, see the positives ( the front garden has looked beautiful in the sunshine today, and the many hyacinths out there smell wonderful), and count my blessings, but some days it's very difficult indeed.

I understand that it's gloomy reading, but that's how life is at the moment, so the blog may well disappear again.