February

Thank you for comments on my last post. 

I've been jotting things down in case I felt like doing an update, so here's February... a month of highs and lows.

5th February...

Another win on the Premium Bonds. Lucky me. No win for J this month.

9th, 12th, 13th February...

3 death anniversaries down, 1 to go. Uncle J on the 9th, Uncle M on the 12th, sister in law P on thd 13th. 2019 was unkind, giving us 2 deaths in 4 days. It's been harder this year because I've felt at a low ebb physically.

The virus that started at the beginning of the month has wiped me out, exacerbated the ME/CFS, and I've needed antibiotics for a secondary chest infection... my third course of antibiotics taken this year. I feel so ill I wish that our celebration weekend wasn't looming, as all I want to do is lie down. We've all had it and the little one got conjunctivitis too. It's been rough.

21st to 23rd February...

Our celebration weekend. Thank goodness for antibiotics. Still coughing,  but feeling much better in myself.

Our handfasting ceremony at Gretna Green was magical.

Life is short, and as J says, I've dodged a lot of bullets over the years, and escaped being mortally wounded by a number of others.

We've seized the day, had fun, celebrated my 60th birthday and our 41st wedding anniversary in advance, and laughed with our family all weekend. The hotel and whole experience has exceeded our expectations; it's been outstanding from the moment we arrived on Friday afternoon until the moment we left on Sunday lunchtime.

As ever, we've done things on a budget. Why pay a fortune for things when you don't have to? 

I cut and styled my own hair, just like I always do. My younger daughter did my make up. My £45 brand new with tags dress originally retailed at £450. My shoes, bag, 'fur' cape and hairband were also secondhand with tags on  (all from Vinted, including the dress). The table decor and chair decor were secondhand, from charity shops and Vinted. The cake and fresh flowers came from Marks and Spencer, the greenery came from the garden. I decorated the room, arranged the flowers, made my own bouquet and the cake decoration. Maybe my creativity hasn't disappeared, just been squashed by exhaustion and the ED... there's just no space or energy for anything else most of the time.

We had a lovely wedding almost 41 years ago, but it was a wedding to suit other people, not us. The handfasting was what we wanted, something for us, done our way, with people we love, not relatives we haven't seen for years or barely know. 

24th February...

 It's the 30th anniversary of my dad's death. I've spent as long without him as I had him for, as he died 3 days before my 30th birthday. His sudden death, aged 55, changed me and shaped my life. I'm a harder woman because of it... I acknowledge it and own it. You like me or you don't. My mum will be 87 this year. Her death, when it comes, will be a very different experience. Getting old, then dying, is what's supposed to happen.

 27th February...

 60 today. Lovely gifts and messages. I spent the day with the love of my life. It was gloriously sunny. The 6th anniversary of my sister in law's funeral. She would have been 60 last month.

28th February... 

I  cancelled my prescription pre payment certificate,  and will relish not having to pay for my meds for as long as it lasts. Free sight tests too, though I paid for mine last month so I could take advantage of a good deal on new glasses.

We finished the bedroom, buying our final piece of furniture which was a G plan Fresco sideboard for £225 from the charity furniture store. A week later we saw an identical one for £665 at Bygone Times. 

I bought another West German vase. This one was more expensive than the last at £20, but still a bargain from our local hospice charity shop. It's the largest one I own, and is big brother to one I bought last year. 

Always and forever a bargain hunter... that's me. It's in my blood.

It's been a busy month of appointments for my Mum, doing her shopping or taking her shopping, ordering and collecting her prescriptions, reading her meters, paying the bills, sorting her green refuse collection for the coming year, sorting her dustbins and taking rubbish to the tip ( long story), and visiting her, a lot of that whilst I've felt unwell. And then I got hit with the ' don't put me in a home' conversation, and she also doesn't ever want carers going in. I pointed out that the alternative was for me to leave my husband and move in with her, which she seemed to think was fair.

The mental load is at times almost unbearable.

Childcare has also been harder work than ever due to feeling unwell.

WARNING!!

****ED STUFF BELOW****

I'm doing a little better in terms of the ED, in that, at the moment at least, I can see that I am worth more than a number on the scales. 

I'm under no illusions though, as I know it won't take much to tip me back the other way. I'm still working at weighing less for health and aesthetic reasons, and I have scrutinised every single photograph that was taken of me at the handfasting.

The urge to restrict altogether remains huge, but I'm fighting it. The food noise has quietened a little as I'm 18:6 intermittent fasting. If I was still seeing the ED therapist she would have an absolute fit, but seeing her didn't work, 3 meals and 2 snacks a day didn't work... it was ridiculous to treat someone with atypical anorexia the same way as someone with typical anorexia in my opinion.

I've found that at the moment I feel in control rather than out of it,  I'm mostly eating better during the 6 hour window than I would if I wasn't fasting, I'm not waking in the night pinching my stomach and feeling for my bones, and the purging has lessened, though not stopped... will it ever?

One day at a time is all I can do as I try to find a way that works for me, but I'm aware that I'm tiptoeing along a tightrope in the dark and trying to stay upright.

It's 4pm and I'm still in pyjamas, and have been asleep this afternoon. February has caught up with me and I feel ME/CFS unwell.

Back at some point if I have anything to say.

Hope everyone is OK.