Almost...

 ...through January already. Things are mostly the same here.

I've had 2 appointments through for me; a mammogram next week, and my dental / maxofacial appointment has been brought forward 6 weeks to the beginning of next month. When I spoke to someone about it before Christmas they said they would contact me if they had a cancellation and they've kept their word. I'm very grateful as I've had pain and pressure in my face almost every day since the tooth was removed in December 2024. In addition, my face is still swollen and my smile is still lopsided.

We had a bit of a scare last week. My elder daughter and son in law are backpacking in Thailand. I knew they would be leaving Bangkok last week, heading North by train, so when I saw the news that a crane had fallen onto a train, causing fatalities, my heart dropped. Worse still, I couldn't get hold of them. Thankfully, my younger daughter finally got hold of my elder, but that was a horrendous hour.

They are having the best time and are updating regularly with photographs. Travel is important to them, and being child free means they can indulge their wanderlust regularly. I'm glad for them, doing things while they can. My daughter is only 5 years younger than I was when my heart condition was diagnosed, and quite honestly, my health hasn't been good since. I now see life slipping away from me, with day after day of pain and exhaustion.

The ME/CFS has been particularly bad in recent weeks, with lots of pain. I wake some mornings feeling as though I've had a kicking. Over the weekend the pain was in my ribs down my right side, and eventually moved around to the front. Moving took my breath away and there were many involuntary gasps. There was no explanation for it... no heavy lifting, no awkward movements, nothing. It was just there. It's a new one, as usually it's my arms and legs that are affected. Yesterday it was a pressure headache, a feeling of my skull being squeezed, made worse by moving my head.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something else wrong with me and I'm just putting it all down to the ME/CFS, but everything is vague and comes and goes.

I've been so exhausted and in so much pain that some nights I lie in bed, feeling ancient and worn out, convinced that my mother is going to outlive me. 

Apparently there has been research that has shown that people who are carers ( mainly women I suppose, because let's face it, we are the ones it's expected of) face ill health and a shortened lifespan of up to 8 years. I've joined a support forum and it has helped me to feel less alone, has provided lots of useful information and validated some of my less charitable thoughts!

Despite it sounding that way, it's not all doom and gloom.

I've bought my first daffodils and tulips of the year, which are brightening the living room, kitchen and our bedroom, and we've booked to go away for our handfasting anniversary, so that's something to look forward to. I may not be up to much physically, but it will be a change of scenery, and some peace and quiet.

J has used the pole saw in the back garden and has cut the twisted willow tree down quite a lot as it had grown too tall. He's also used it at the allotment on the fruit trees. Progress down there is slow due to my pain and lack of energy, and my husband's knee problems  (osteoarthritis that is bone on bone), but there is progress.

The Spring bulbs are all appearing, and the fruit trees are covered in buds. 

To plant a garden is to have hope.

Hope, and my husband, keep me here.