It's almost 3 months since I pulled the plug on the blog whilst in the absolute pits of despair.
Things still feel bleak sometimes, and the blackest of black thoughts still come, but not so often now, and I'm still here.
I recently took my 8th course of antibiotics of 2025, this time for sinusitis. I'm still suffering the after effects of December 2024's complicated tooth extraction, where my sinus cavity had to be surgically closed because my tooth roots penetrated it. I think the sinusitis has returned, so I'll be going to the GP on Monday.
I have another hospital appointment about it in March, and one for my eyes in January ( the problems with them have been ongoing for around 7 years)
I've been in pain, or exhausted, or felt unwell, or any combination of the 3, for almost every day of the last 10 years.
It is wearing, both mentally and physically, and that's without the added problems of the ongoing ED.
The chest pain which comes with the heart condition diagnosed 17 years ago has recently reared its head after being quiet for a long time.
The body truly does keep the score.
I'm still the squashed filling of the sandwich generation.
Despite that, I continue to search for bright spots, just glimmers to try to keep me going. They're not always easy to find, but I've appreciated some rare time on my own, and reading books again. I've been listening to music on vinyl, I've had time at the allotment on rare sunny days, and I've drunk a lot of coffee out with my husband. I've even cooked from scratch a couple of times, and baked...
Little things.
My family love me...
A big thing.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas, despite having our little one here.
The decorations are up, but they bring no joy, unlike years gone by when I would spend all day decorating.
Socialising, food, enforced jollity? It's a no thanks from me, but unlike other years I've made my feelings known, and I've refused invitations to things I know that I'd find difficult to cope with.
I read recently that ' When we stay silent to keep the peace, we create a war within'.
How very true that is.
Why should I continue to suffer, just to keep other people happy?
My feelings are important too, as is my health, and I need to put on my own oxygen mask first.
I'm trying to do just that.
A positive or negative post?
You decide.
At least it's honest.
My heart goes to you though I can do nothing else but show you people care. It's hard to force jolly and so true what you say about warring with yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks SAM. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas x
DeleteMy thoughts are with you, hoping you find some comfort being with your family and little one. Sending virtual love and hugs. Xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Gill. Our little one is a joy x
DeleteI would say positive, as you're making decisions for your own health and sanity. It's hard to say and do things for yourself, rather than always pleasing others, as I know only too well. Look after yourself, Scarlet - yes you are important. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Sooze, and for the emails. I know you understand. I'll reply soon x
DeleteJust hugs x
ReplyDeleteThank you Nim x
DeleteIt was lovely to check here today on the off chance and find you had posted and I could see it … you are important and you must find your way through the Christmas madness in a way that feels right for you.
ReplyDeleteI have read all your different blogs in the past and always hope you are doing better.
Look after yourself now
Debbie
Thank you Debbie, and for sticking around for so long!
DeleteAm delighted to see that you are posting again, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are. And definitely you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, for too long we have made other people and their needs our priority.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joan. It's been tough, and there's no end in sight, but I'm being more vocal about my needs x
DeleteI am pleased you are blogging again and have been thinking of you. I’m a long time reader but do not comment - will try and push myself out of my comfort zone to do it more often. Big hug to you x
ReplyDeleteThank you x
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